I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
