I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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