I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
