i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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