i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
