i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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