There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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