I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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