I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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