My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
