the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Randomize
