I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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