gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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