That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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