New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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