dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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