I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I have already put on my inside pants.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
