how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
