I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
