Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
