Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
