I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
