I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
