I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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