I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
