I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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