me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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