im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
