Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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