so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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