so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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