I just pynch a tree in the face
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
