FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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