Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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