My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
