Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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