You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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