Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
