I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
