I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
