You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I'm like, not good at living.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Randomize
