i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
