You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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