why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
