I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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