Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
