My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Dear god my vagina.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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