i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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