My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
