It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
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